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I saw you @ the end of a tunneL. [entries|friends|calendar]
I am Rachel & i can barely smile.

[ one. | Die young. ]
[ two. | stare & see. ]
[ three. | the yesterdays. ]
[ four. | of a memory. ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

the storm is coming. [Tue.May 20.14 @ 9:28pm]
honestly. i wish good things really did happen to those who have waited, and have done no wrong. i have not broken any hearts. i have not lied at anyone's expense. i have always been honest and open. i always care too much. i am most always the giver, never the taker. i bend over backwards for the people i love, and how rarely this is ever returned to me. it's frustrating. i have never asked for more, than to just love and be loved. that is the harder part. am i not worthy enough to be loved in return? always falling for the wrong ones. the bad ones. always having to watch everyone be so happy around me. how long can you hold on like this?

2014 [Wed.Feb 5.14 @ 12:16am]
are you kidding me?
i think back to my last real relationship. my last boyfriend...while it seems ages ago, and i can always say "well i was young then" yeah, sure. i was when the relationship started. but not by any means when it ended. i wasted a good solid 4 years after that causing more damage to my heart than if i had cut all ties the moment he decided to walk away. so i spent 8 years wrapped up in the worst and the best times of my life with my most obvious weakness. and now, 4 years since the end of that fiasco, i ask myself. rachel what the fuck were you thinking?
because since then, its been me pining and falling for the wrong ones. none of them ever wanted me back. they just wanted something. someone. it didnt matter who. it was who ever answered them that night, and it was always going to be me, because im weak.

right now, tonight, in this moment i just wish i had a reason for all i've put myself through. i crave being needed. being wanted. being chased. being the single thing that someone thinks about when they wake up, and fall asleep. I have never, once, been that girl to anyone. i feel sick. i hate this, honestly i do. i put on a brave face most of the time. and claim its okay being single and i can deal with it, and its easy, and while it is all those things, most of all it is lonely. so damn lonely. i fear the future, i always have. what if i never love again? what is love to me now? after all these years of giving up on it, how do i find it in my heart to give it a chance? im terrified. no one ever said this was easy, life. ever since i was young i was told "life is not fair, rachel". i get that. nothing is fair, and everything has a consequence, whether good or bad. but where does that leave the ones who waited. who have been patient and who have never broken a heart? are we left here forever in the dust of the past?

october. [Mon.Jul 22.13 @ 12:11am]
i remember the first time you kissed me. 10-22 i didn't understand but i will not say i didn't want to kiss you back. and also, i remember the last time you kissed me...just before you decided to be done, and dismiss me all together. no contact, that works right? fuck

[Wed.Jul 3.13 @ 9:43pm]
i hate this.
you will never know all that you did.
and i will never be able to tell you.
when 12 days turn to 20.
those days will start to form months.
and i won't even be in your memory.
forget me. because its so easy.
you won't be seeing me. i will be sure of that.

help. [Sun.Jun 9.13 @ 6:00pm]
right now, in this very moment, i feel so alone. I want things to go back to how they were in 2010. or the beginning of 2012. these 6 months of 2013 have flown by, but by no means have been a good time. i am so sick of the back burner. i am sooo sick of being the last resort. and that is ALL THAT I AM to so many people. i get used. i am always the fucking giver. i'm done with having the big heart, the girl who doesn't want to disappoint. so i bend over backwards day in and day out. i lend anything and everything i can and very rarely does any of it get returned...if ever.
i learned some hard lessons in the past couple weeks. it sucks figuring out that someone you thought you knew, you really don't actually know. and they are incredibly two faced. and you only know one side to them. that honestly is terrifying to me. how will i ever rely on that person again, or ever believe a word they say?
i also learned, again, for the thousandth time in my life, fucking relationships are a joke. and there is always something going on behind someone else's back. and it is never good, and only few actually figure it out in the end. most just live completely clueless in this flawless life and eat all the words their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/wife/husband tells them. and now this, is where i throw up because all of this makes me so sick. why do i want to be the person who saves the day? i think it is my own damage that makes me want to find everyone else out and blow every cover they have. i never want anyone to be cheated on in this life. and have to deal with all the pain that comes with it. i want to break these people down so badly and make them miserable for doing these things to the people that i love. how can you live like that? I'M SO ANGRY.
so what happens next?
live in silence or find a way to make it all known...so fucking torn.
this kind of shit eats me up inside.

Wednesdays are the worst. [Thu.Jul 26.12 @ 12:52am]

I want to save you.
I need you to save me too.

Let me save you.
Let me save you.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


And there's a lack of color here. [Thu.Jul 5.12 @ 3:12pm]

I should have never fallen for him. I said it all along, "I should be running the other way".
But, I didn't.
I ran full speed towards him. With every wish and hope in my back pocket, waiting for a change that would make him see me, and everything I had to offer; all that I was ready to give to him with no second thoughts or hesitation.
As time passed, I quickly realized how conflicted his heart was. And how so often he proved that he was one foot out the door with every smile he gave me, every word he said, and every kiss we shared.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


coffee eyes. [Tue.Jun 19.12 @ 12:26am]
when someone finally reads any of this, they are going to wonder when and where i went wrong again.

wish i knew.

the things to learn as your life goes on...are very hard to adapt to.

something lately...

learning when to walk away.

this is a hard lesson for me. i like to stick around. what can i say...i stay even if it hurts sometimes. maybe sometimes i'm looking to BE hurt, so i can walk away easier the next time.

i see something in you. i can never explain it but it is there.
i can feel your eyes on me. but i don't want to look up. i don't know how to look.
i cannot convey the feeling i have inside through my eyes, or maybe i can too well.
either way, i'm giving it away if i look at you.

phoenix, don't look back. [Wed.Jun 13.12 @ 9:20pm]
she got him home that late november evening.

she waited for him to fall asleep, and then slowly, whispered in his ear:

"i could have loved you forever" she said...

little did she know he was not sleeping...he was awake.


and it hit him like a ton of bricks. of all the women who had come in and out of his room, no one had ever spoken those words to him.

and he was taken aback with the sincerity in her every word. he could almost hear the pain in her soft voice as she laid there in the darkness.

and in that moment, he couldn't move, nor could he breathe.

he stayed awake that night, long after she fell asleep. he could not stop thinking of why he had taken her selflessness for granted, time and time again.

he woke up the next morning to an empty bed and a chill on his skin.

the difference this morning wasn't that he was alone, but the heavy weight he felt in his heart.

he stayed in bed all day, knowing he would never be able to say the words he always wanted to say to her. she was gone, and this time she was done.

he realized then that he could not take anything back. he could not change the way he pushed her away.

and even though she hated learning things the hard way, she knew so much better now, and she would never entertain the thought of him again.

in a dream that i can't seem to shake she is...she is standing alone... [Thu.Jun 16.11 @ 11:30pm]
sometimes, when you haven't in a while...
it feels good to just, cry.

let it all go.

and cry

your eyes out........

real life, 3-11-11 [Fri.Mar 11.11 @ 6:33pm]
im a macbook owner.
and i feel happy for the first time in almost 5 years.

Long time...nothin. [Sun.Jul 4.10 @ 7:16pm]

So much to say uhh...
Where do I start.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


Rachel goes to Hawaii... [Sat.Aug 22.09 @ 12:18am]

After 5 days on oahu, I have seen some amazing views, oceans, mountains and structures. It's a different beautiful...different and quite more epic than any other experience in my life. I would love to spend time here...and just sit and watch the stars along the beach all night, or climb up a mountain and sit and watch the clouds pass for hours at a time, maybe swim a mile beside a sea turtle... Some time to just really stop and enjoy the beauty and let it take my breath away...we leave Monday night and I'm kind of feeling like missing my plane...and going...missing...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

1 |[!!!]

Who will you run to when it all falls down? [Fri.May 22.09 @ 2:57pm]

Some things I've come to realize as I'm sitting in my car right now:
1. I drive too much.
2. I'm thankful my mom cared what I did when I was younger...there are some f'ed up kids out there who went wrong way too young...
3. I should have learned years ago that best friends fade away. They have been doing so since what...1997?
4. Something about dogs sticking their heads out the window makes me happy.
5. I need a vacation.
6. I wish I knew what dreaming about walking naked in the rain meant.
7. I need more goals. Achieving them would be a plus.
8. I can't wait for my hair to be long again. It's half wayish to where it was when I cut it.
9. Kainoa sings firecracker and it's priceless.
10.I missss the format.
11. More to come.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

4 s|[!!!]

[Thu.Apr 9.09 @ 10:24pm]

I need a vacation.
I know I keep saying it.
I just need to make it happen.
Take a weekend to feel free.
Get out of here if only for a few days.
Colorado is screaming my name..

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

2 s|[!!!]

oh march. [Sat.Mar 7.09 @ 8:22pm]
i feel like i have a billion things to say.
i guess im just not in a good enough mood to get it all out.

but my brain definitely needs to explode into livejournal.
3 s|[!!!]

preview. the rest tomorrow.......... [Sat.Jun 28.08 @ 8:26pm]
4 s|[!!!]

the wrong words will strand you. [Fri.Jun 20.08 @ 2:27am]

life is a series of calluses, this is just another layer.

and also, im sorry. and i have a headache.
and i have faith in tomorrow(s).
and i just want to dance.
and i want to be loved again.
and im kind of falling for being appreciated.
and my hands shake really bad when im crying.
and my hair is the longest its been since i was in 2nd grade.
and i found my minnie ears today.
and i listened to the ataris.
and i love watching kainoa because he is so innocent.
and its going to be okay.
and no one can tell me what to feel.
and it still feels the same.
i fit. i have not grown.

i've come to find out...that i just lost my feelings. ive lost all feeling. [Thu.Feb 21.08 @ 1:42pm]
i was here.
and this is the best song.
he opened with it, and i fell in love immediately.

im looking forward to late spring...

...for late spring is when Ace Enders releases his solo album.
its gonna be great. i can't wait.

[ (ps) @ 1:44-1:46 he has the most adorable smile...]
1 |[!!!]

nothing like reading this at the beginning of your day </3 [Wed.Jan 2.08 @ 9:41pm]
Man leaps off bridge, taking police dog with him

CORONADO, Calif. — A man being chased by authorities grabbed a police dog and leaped off the San Diego-Coronado Bridge, taking the animal with him into the ocean water 200 feet below.

The fugitive survived and was in serious condition Tuesday with a collapsed lung, but the fall killed the dog.

The 27-year-old man will be charged with causing the dog's death, driving under the influence and evading police, authorities said.

The pursuit began Monday evening after an Oceanside officer saw the man driving a GMC pickup erratically. The officer, accompanied by a Belgian Malinois named Stryker, ordered the driver to stop but he refused, California Highway Patrol (CHP) Officer Larry Landeros said.

The man led police on a chase on a section of Interstate 5 and onto the bridge, where he stopped and the officer released Stryker.

"The dog actually took the driver to the ground and then [the driver] ... lifted the dog up and jumped over the side," CHP Sgt. Steven Toth said.

The man had not been identified as of late Tuesday.

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